Back to My Roots (or Close Enough)

Women need their splurges and their pampering. (Men, in Mars, do as well.) But, back to Venus, I don't go to the nail salon (often), but I am addicted to highlighting my hair. Now, to save money, I've gone back to my roots (or close enough). and I'm freaking out because this doesn't look like me, and I can't sleep. Plus, I'm blessed with curls like you've hardly seen, and they look best with added dimension. Curly, freckled and dimpled, I say with pride and a sense of individualism. However, going back to my curls, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh boy! All I can say is, I can't wait until some of this color washes off, and some highlights show through. Should I make it to my date tonight?

Emotions

It's amazing how emotions color the way events, words, art and the world is perceived. I wrote the poem in my last post with my heart full of promise, joy and optimism. Then, two days ago, as I sat at my desk in a sad, almost hopeless mood, I reread the poem and it felt so sad that I regretted writing and posting it. Something that seemed so beautiful and almost miraculous to me at first, due to the inner spiritual growth in me that I was trying to present, then seemed ugly and undeserving of its birth. Harsh. However, within a few hours, I was able to master my emotions again and turn the negative energy into something productively positive. I am glad I was able to do that, for more reasons than one. Especially since I've allowed emotions to almost drown me for something like too long. It's a difficult partnership though, that between the self and its emotions. Let logic, choice of thought, and conscious breath come in and some pain can be avoided, some balance achieved. I prided myself on my emotions for so long, after all they led me in my creativity and introduced me to the world of song where my voice and soul thrived. However, my reliance on emotion was a double edged sword and a drug that made me high and then dropped me from the Eiffel Tower, over and over. You see, I am a poet at heart, I've always been. I can feel until I feel no more, if I so allow. Right now, gladly, I choose to feel, but I also choose to choose how to feel, even if it may take some effort on my part. I elect to use emotion as a tool, not as my drug of choice.

let my heart sing
when I skip in joy
let my heart sing
when I shed a tear
let my heart be true
when indeed I touch you
let my heart fail not
when I gently kiss you

I heard of a love like our love
and a fairytale I thought it was
I tried and tried so many times
I sought and sought and lost myself

now I sing for the tears and I sing for the joy
and sing for the realness of my heart and the trueness of my soul
I have the joy, and the tears gleam back at me as diamonds do

love is in my heart . . . I love you soul
love is in my soul . . . I love you heart

love is so true now
so true
that share it I cannot hold myself back to

Leoni

Hmmm . . .

Maybe there's a reason for heartbreak.

Karaoke Song Recording

http://kSolo.MySpace.com/498002165

Simply Going for a Dog Walk

A walk, a journey, a path; a quest for self discovery, love and fulfillment, that's what I'm on. Sometimes this, whatever it is, leaves me feeling exhilarated and high, at other times sober, and at other times frustrated and sad. I try to see things positively, have confidence in myself, but as I think I'm making progress, things change color on me and slap me in the face. The last slap left it's imprint in me for at least five days. Finally, today, I feel much better and have managed to be quite productive. However, I look back on the occurrence and still feel a stab in the heart renewed. How can something appear so true and be so false? Could I have made things better? Why can't I fix this? I want to fix it.

We started dating two months ago. At first impression, I saw a nice guy and someone I would not mind being friends with and even dating. I was not sure I would actually like him like him, but I was still hung up on the last guy and couldn't see or feel much further. Unfortunately, as well, I kept comparing him to the last one and that made it difficult for him to measure up. However, he seemed sweet, kind, caring, easy on my eye and he kept calling at least once a week to ask me out, so I kept on seeing him. After two or three dates, it seemed things wouldn't go anywhere, but I talked to one of my friends about it and decided to drop the walls I had built around me and to give him a chance. I made myself vulnerable, and as he finally put it to me, we went from "zero to serious." Except of course he added, "too fast." So, after almost two months (and 7 dates), I started caring about "B," but it all went down hill. Now I'm left feeling that I wish he had talked to me about what he was feeling beforehand and I wish he had dropped the walls around him a little more, even if slowly. How can you get to know someone better if you don't do that? I am so frustrated and sad about it. I know we did not date long and I'll get over this, but I hate feeling that something that had potential good went down the drain. So, there, I vented.